Mush n' Stuff

First let me start off by saying I’m doing much better now. I can’t pick things up off the floor or lift things too heavy, or drive yet but I can lie down and get up on my own. Coughing still hurts but only happens about once every hour. Today, the thought crossed my mind…that I might be well by New Years Eve!

Secondly I want to post at least every other day, but I’ve nothing to talk about at the moment. I’ve done nothing but set around the house…by law! Seriously, I was out voted on this and have essentially been placed under house arrest! Let me explain.

My living arrangement is really quite blessed. I live with two of three of my most loved souls on this earth. My grandmother, who is 85 years old, and my younger sister who turns 21 Christmas Eve! I live a full hour away from my older sister :::sniffles:::

Anyhow, grandma and Carrie (the little sister) have lovingly enforced the Dr.’s orders the last 5 days. They are absolutely wonderful, and I feel so loved right now.

Grandma, who has chronic back pain (among numerous other ailments) constantly checks in on me day and night. She brings me soup, has done my laundry, gets me pain meds when I haven’t been able to move…and even helps take care of my girls!

Carrie (who is now sick with a head cold) also has been waiting on me. She gets me as much ice water as I can drink, has helped me wash my hair… and the biggy ….she does what I ask/tell her to do for grandma that I can’t do right now. Oh yes…and she has also has been taking care of my girls.

I don’t know how to express my gratitude for all that they have done for me.

Snow and 2 more Ribs

Well, we got the blizzard such as it is...this morning. a few inches of snow that is making the news across the board.

And...I did it again. 2 more ribs. There is nothing to be done for it then manage the pain. 10 days until Christmas. I've decided to stay in bed for the next few days, let my ribs heal a bit...and try hard not to break anymore.

Wishing everyone well!

A non dairy Blizzard!

A blizzard is rolling into town! All the business are warning people to get home before it hits. We are to have snow and high winds. But now thinking about it...I'm not too worried. I grew up in high desert, where winter meant -5 degrees and summer meant 100+.

I have a sneaking suspicion that what all the "flat" landers are worrying about is nothing more then the first good snowfall of winter. I'm only a bit concerned that we'll lose power.

Too Fat to Lose Weight on my Own?

I’m half setting, half leaning against the hospital bed. Every little movement, every breath, every shift in position hurts like a hot poker being pushed between my ribs. The doctor, a stout older lady, with short gray hair and thin wire glasses, is setting across from me. She makes eye contact, and begins telling me what she thinks I need to hear. I was in so much pain, I doubt this is verbatim…but here is the jist of it.

“Listen, you need gastric bypass surgery. People don’t lose weight at 445 pounds. It been proven they just don’t, and can’t. You need to lose 200 pounds, you are not going to do that by your self. Few people do, and fewer keep it off. It’s also been proven that there is a gene. People don’t get to be your size…just because they eat too much. There is a gene that tells you too keep eating. You need to lose the weight.”

She then told me I could try and get insurance through the state, that they will actually issue it some times for morbidly obese people…which is what I am. Wow, I just…I know what the scale says…but I just don’t feel that fat! I mean, I just don’t feel it. Anyhow, I appreciated her candid talk. People talking to me like that, helps me ground reality. She wasn’t mean, condescending, disgusted…she was just sincere about the problem and was letting me know “it needs to be dealt with” as well as trying to give me ideas about how to do so.

Well, I know most of my weight comes from binging, and even if I did have insurance…bypass surgery wouldn’t work for me, cause it wouldn’t cure my emotional binging issue. I hope she's wrong. I'm not keen on the idea of surgery for myself, and even so...I don't have insurance, so it's not an option any way.

Anyone curious as to why I made another trip to the E.R? Well, I was getting ready for bed, grabbing myself some ice water in the kitchen and when I opened up the freezer and the cold air hit me, I went into a coughing fit. And I cracked a rib, the pop was loud enough my sister heard it from a few feet away. Did you know there is a weight limit on x-ray machines? Heh…there is. No more need be said about that, just that I am too fat for some x-ray machines.

I wanted to find something amusing to write about, but I just don’t feel it. Woke up this morning sick from the shot they gave me last night for the pain. Got enough narcotics now to fill a shoe box…but I can stand pain a heck of a lot better then I can stand the headache and nausea the vicodan and oxycodon give me.

Sick for a month now. I’m so sick of being sick.

Bout a week ago I got my new scale from oldwillknotts.com. Came just a day or two after I got weighed at the E.R the first time I went. It weighs me 2 pounds more, but that’s close enough for me. Weighs up to 550 pounds, and only cost me 50 dollars.

Ehh…I feel so…down.

Not supposed to move around much at all for the next week. I watched 2 movies tonight. Both I'd seen before, just some old favorites. Brokeback Mountain and K-Pax. Almost watched the Butterfly Effect, but decided I'd save it for tomorrow.

Maybe I'll have something more upbeat to write about tomorrow.

Legs that Fall Asleep

I didn't start a diet. Nope, I woke up with 3 swollen tastebuds (thats what everyone calls them), and in stead, I have unintentionally fasted for a few days. Oh wait, my sister brought me a vanilla frosty from Wendy's and I ate it. So, I'm absolutely hungry right now, but I do prefer the hungry feeling over the pain of food touching my tongue. When I can eat again, at least my stomach should be so I will get full from a small amount of food!

If I can eat by tomorrow morning, I do plan on beginning to calorie count. I feel like I'm really ready to get going...I just gotta be able to chew first!

So, lets talk leg circulation! I've got good leg circulation. My legs are fat, but no varicose veins or bluish tint. Well, earlier today I was setting on the floor, playing with my puppy. She climbed into my lap and fell asleep. I found it very endearing and decided just to lean against the couch and hold her for a while.

Pppffff....I didn't mean to fall asleep! When I woke up (about 1 hour later), what was initially an attempt to jump to my feet became an attempt not do the splits! My right leg had fallen asleep, so asleep that I just didn't feel it! Couple this with the fact I've got really slippery feet...and I was performing what I'm sure looked like "The Drunken Ballerina". It's a good thing I'm a limber 400+ girl, because if I wasn't I'm sure I'd be paralyzed from the waste down right now.

Putting on Socks and Pants

It’s almost 3:00 in the morning. I have yet to be to bed. Being sick for 3+ weeks has messed up my sleep schedule. No worries! I’m doing better now. I just finished the 2 prescriptions the doctor gave me for the bronchitis, and my coughing is controlled enough I am able to sleep when I want to. A few nights ago, I lay down in my bed and absolutely relished the fact that I could close my eyes, and fade off into relaxation without being interrupted by painful, racking coughs. I will never undervalue the ability to sleep again!

Anyhow, there are so many things I want to write about! And at the same time, I’m afraid of turning this blog into something that sounds “whiney”. That is not the purpose at all! As I’ve said before, the purpose of this blog is to “OWN MY 400+ Pounds” and “STOP AVOIDING/DENYING IT”. When I find a positive thing my weight has contributed…you bet I’ll post about it!

Well, my early morning thought that I might or might not expound on later is…”I think I’m ready.” Ready for what? I think I’m ready to give it another try. This is what I would like to happen when I wake up in the morning.

I would like to immediately remember “THIS IS THE DAY” and drink a huge glass of water, and eat an apple accompanied by a shake. That’s all I need. Just a good start and I feel like I could hit the ground running.

Now on to this posts name sake. SOCKS and PANTS. I remember a saying that goes something like this, “We all put our pants on the same, one leg at a time.” Not True!

Now, I’m a really limber 400+ pound girl. I can stand up, and slip my pants on one leg at a time…without losing my balance and tumbling to the floor might I add! However, I do prefer to set down, bend at the waist and slip my pants on both legs at once. This is something I didn’t do before a certain poundage, meaning I probably hit 350+ before I began putting my pants on both legs at a time. But I wonder is this something many other people do, who are a normal size? Or is this just indicative of us obese people? Or is it just me…being weird?

Oh yes, and socks. My niece asked me today, Auntie you have to have the couch to put your socks on, huh? Why…yes I do! Well not the couch per say. I just have to have a setting space big enough I can set down, with one leg propped up. That way I can bend my leg in towards me and comfortable put my sock and shoe on. I then must get up, and switch sides to put the other shoe on. I’ve been doing this for years. I just never really realized it. Wow. Well, tomorrow I will try to put my shoes on without propped each leg up and see if I can. But I don’t think I’ll be able to do it.

Seatbelt Situation

They are unavoidable! We are legally obligated by law, to use them. There use is so normalized in this day and age that for most people, they don’t even render a second thought. However, for some of us…seatbelts require more…they require strategy!

Seatbelts for me became an issue at around 350 pounds. Now, I have to use extensions in most cars. What I want to talk about right now, is how to deal with this problem when riding in other peoples cars?

The situation that arises when riding in a friends or coworkers car is to me intolerable emotionally and physically. It begins with me trying to slide into the car as fast as I can, hoping to get the seat belt situation surveyed and under control before the driver gets in to witness my dilemma.

Most of the time, I’m able to slide my hand down to my side, and hold my seat buckle low enough at my side, that I don’t think anyone can tell I’m not bucked up. Still, I agonize over whether the driver be it friend or coworker notices what I’m doing. If they do, what are they thinking? “Oh my god…she is so fat she can’t buckle up!”. Eventually holding the strap down gets painful, especially on 4 or 5 or trips. I can’t fully participate in conversation or twist around in my seat to look at things because of this. Riding with friends, cruising for fun and enjoying road trips is simply and ear mark of youth that I’m missing.

In my own car, I use an extension. I can’t just take extensions with me in other cars however, as different cars need different extensions. Plus I would have to ask my friends or coworkers to get them for me from their dealership. Can you imagine that conversation?

Well, I don’t really have a solution to this problem yet. I just wanted to write about it, since it comes up so often! Does anyone else have this issue? If you do, how do you deal with it. I’m looking for advice here, so please somebody, anybody (all you lurkers) give me some ideas.

Binging

I have this wonderful ability to avoid things that cause me great distress. I use many methods, my biggest is eating. I’m a binger, a big time binger. When I’m not binging, I eat normal and I maintain or even lose a few pounds during these periods. But I binge at least twice in a good week, a bad week may mean up to 5 binges. Did you know you can gain 5, even 10 pounds in a week? You can.

3500 extra calories equates to one pound. Gaining 1 pound a week is as easy as eating 500 calories over your maintenance caloric intake a day, for one week. Boom, you’ve gained one pound. 1 binge can mean 1 or 2 pounds!

Lets see how this works, shall we? Here is a typical binge list for me. The Calories are estimated from a few different calorie counters I found on the internet.

1 Fast Food Hamburger/1100
Large Pop/ 534
Pork Fried rice/360
Sweet and sour chicken/ 1100
KFC Mac and Cheese/ 800

Total= 3894

That’s a pound! A binge around this size means 2.2 pounds a week. Similar binges like the one above, committed just twice a week, for a month adds up to 8.8 pounds. In six months, that’s 52.8 pounds. This means 2 binges a week, for an entire year is over 100 extra pounds.

My Highest Weight! 445 Pounds

445 pounds?

What am I to do now? Don’t say diet! Ha-ha,…diets have only made me fatter. Every time I go on a diet, I’m successful, until I gain it all back plus some. It all seems so hopeless, doesn’t it? I wish I had a problem with something I didn’t need to live. I went on a diet once, where I fasted for six months on shakes. All other food, was out of the picture. I DID SO WELL! Why? Because I didn’t have to deal with food. When I was hungry, I drank a shake. My only choices were chocolate or vanilla! When I was thirsty, I drank water with the choice of chicken broth or crystal light. I lost almost a hundred pounds!

What to do, what to do?

Experience at the E.R

When it rains, it pours right? I guess. I’ve now been to the E.R twice in 6 months. Before this last September, I hadn’t been to the E.R in over 4 years. I’m poor, so I don’t have a regular dr. I can afford to go to. Unfortunately, this means my medical care is dictated by the severity of the condition. If it’s severe enough, I go to the E.R.; otherwise, I just wait it out and hope it gets better. It didn’t get better.

It started with a cough, not severe just annoying. Within days, I was suffering from sleep deprivation because I couldn’t sleep more then a few minutes without going into a violent coughing fit. It then got worse. The coughing became so severe I lost my breath long enough, while writing at my desk that I temporarily passed out and fell off my chair. Did the thought of going to a doctor cross my mind then…NO. Instead...Gee, that sucked, hope I get over this soon.

Next, I began vomiting from the sheer force of coughing. Then thought about the Dr....Mmmm…I’ll give it another week, and if it doesn’t get better I’ll go to the E.R. Ha-ha, a week progresses, during which breathing becomes near impossible and laryngitis has become an extreme annoyance. Then do I go to the E.R? Yes!

Why did I wait for it to get so bad? Well, there are at least 400 reasons. That’s right, my weight. What is a trip to the E.R like for a 400+ girl? Heh.

After getting the wrist band and checking in, it’s directly to the nurse’s station for vitals. I tell the nurse what’s wrong. “I’ve been coughing for two weeks, now I’ve lost my voice and can’t breathe.” The nurse looks at me like, well of course you can’t breathe, your fat! I recognize the look and in a whispered rasp explain “I can’t breathe as well as I normally do.” Of course with this statement, she assumes I’m saying I normally can’t breath well, but now I really can’t breath well. :::Sigh::: No use in explaining yes, I’m fat, but I walk everywhere, and though I might become short of breath faster then fit people…I can walk a long time at an even pace before becoming short of breath. She presses her lips together, and says “yep, right in her and Mr. Nurse so and so well take your vitals.”

Mr. Nurse, heads directly to the scale, and smiles. I haven’t been weighed for 3 years, I have no idea how bad it is, only that my scale that weighs up to 420 pounds won’t do the job anymore. Nervous and ashamed, I make a joke/comment trying to prepare Mr. Nurse for the numbers about to appear on his digital scale. He politely says, this scale can handle anything. Oook.

It takes a good 15 seconds for the scale to process my weight…is that normal? And then it appears! It’s worse then I thought, but not by much. Even so, my vision narrows to those 3 little red numbers, all the background noise disappears and I’m in my own little world of mortification. I’m too shocked to continue being embarrassed.

You know those new “I’m so obese” shows, seemingly becoming more popular over the last few years. The ones where the people are bed ridden, have black scary ankles and have to have other people bath them? I’m fatter then some of them!

Curious yet?

445 pounds. That’s right, just 50 pounds from 500, ¼ of a ton. Ouch…just typing that stings.

Well, Mr. Nurse changes after he writes down the number. He becomes colder, quieter…less nice. He takes my blood pressure, I take my arm out of my coat for him. His eyes get huge and he just looks at me like “what are you doing?” I’m annoyed, and as he’s standing there with his blood pressure strap staring at me, I wave my arm at him “ok”. He shakes himself out of it, and puts it around my arm. I guess he was afraid of what he was going to see. Idiot.

He measures my BMI as 64..IDIOT. I know it’s more then that. He says you’re done, and I walk out of the nurse’s station. To be greeted by the x-ray technician. He says follow me. I smile. (I’m trying to keep from talking…it hurts) But half way there, I have to explain, while gagging for breath that…I CANT BREATH!

First of all I am fat, I’m sure he noticed. Hehe. So keeping up with his speed walking to begin with, would have been cause for heavy breathing…but I could have done it under normal circumstances! I just would have to have a few minutes at the destination to catch my breath. But at the moment…I truly can’t freaking breath! That’s why I’m hear. That is why you are taking an x-ray of my chest. IDIOT!

We get there, we walk in the room he says “Are you wearing a bra”. Hehehe…I think to myself, I’ve never done this, and I don’t know if that is a normal question…but I’m going to say it is. He gives me a gown, and leaves. 3 minutes later I give up on getting it tied up, everything hurts from the coughing. If the tie was in the middle of the back I could have done it (I’m strangely really flexible for a fat person.), but not to the side. What the hell it’s just my back he’ll be seeing.

He gets back in, and ties it up for me. Kind of embarassing. Takes the x-rays, leaves me alone for 5 minutes to get my clothes back on. Leads me out. I still have the damned gown in my hands, I give it to him. He instantly wants to give it back. Hehehe. That’s right Mr. X-ray technician, it has :::gasp::: fat person sweat on it! LOL! He really shouldn’t have been surprised. I mean take away the fact I’m fat, if you speed march a person who is sick, has a fever and can’t breath deep into the bowels of the hospital without thought to their present condition…you think they are going to end the hellish jaunt as unsweaty as they began it? Ok…now add the 400 pounds into the equation. Yeah…he shouldn’t have been surprised.

He leads me back to the waiting room. I was kind of mortified, through this whole process, and am only just now finding the humor in it. 5 minutes later, he’s back to take me to a room to see the doctor.

So now, I commence waiting. Hacking, wheezing, trying to find air, I wonder what would happen if I passed out and fell off the bed. That little speed jaunt the x-ray tech took me on, really had a nasty effect. I’ve been coughing worse, and breathing worse every sense.

Finally, the Dr. came in, he was nice and professional. Kind of dismissive though, which embarrassed me because I’m so skittish about going to the doctor anyway. I’m terrified of being labeled a hypochondriac. Anyhow, he orders a breath treatment, a few pills and the prescribes me 3 prescriptions to keep me breathing better, and one for coughing. The diagnosis…asthmatic bronchitis, laryngitis and a moderate case of middle ear infection.

When I was give the go ahead to leave, I could breath again and I hit that glossy, cold hospital floor at a fast trot, and only sped up as I saw the exit doors. I felt a since of relief as I stepped into the cold, misty night air.

Overall, the whole experience was uncomfortable, embarrassing and at times…just painful. Not as bad as some E.R visits I’ve had, but…just not something I want to do any time soon again.

Being Fat and the Immune System?

Well, I'm still sick.

Everyday for the past 2 weeks I've gone to bed expecting to wake up feeling better! Half of that time I woke up feeling worse, and the other half nothing changed:( I've never been sickly, this is getting ridiculous! I just want to be able to get up and get things done!

I woke up today and couldn't talk! When I try to, it comes out lower then a whisper. If I try to whisper, I can talk louder.

My 85 year old grandmother got the same flu! But she hasn't coughed as bad, and has been coming out of it for about a week now. My younger sister had 2 or 3 bad days, and is up and running today.

But me I've been down with this sickness for over two weeks now. And I'm just now beginning to feel good enough, that staying put is beginning to drive me nutty. That said, I still cough constantly, I've got laryngitis and I'm still so congested that doing anything too strenuous completely drains me and causes me not to be able to breath! Yes, yes...that is a symptom of obesity too. But things I can do without breathing heavy before I got sick are now causing me to gasp.

So is it true? Is my immune system sunk by 300+ pounds fat? Am I more vulnerable to disease and viruses right now than my 85 year old grandmother?

How does this make me feel? Sad. Angry. Ashamed.

I'm going to bed.

Is Taking a Bath at 400+ an Option?

Early this morning, somewhere between the solitary hours of 4am and 6am I decided to take a shower. Showers…mmmm…. hot water in general just hits the spot and soothes me when I am sick.. I’ve had the flu near two weeks. I’m going on 3 nights without sleep now due to severe coughing fits. This morning, after hours of battling for a few hours of sleep, I surrendered and got up. Honestly, a little cough isn’t that big of deal, but when it turns into an uncontrolled wheezing, dry, breath taking, gagging, hacking thing…it becomes a problem. Especially where sleep is concerned! I’m SO TIRED!

Well, getting to the point, I’m awake too early, because I never went to sleep and I’m seeking some kind of relief in the form of a nice hot shower.

So I’m in the shower. It feels good. I close my eyes, lean against the shower wall, and breath deep. A minute later, I realize I’m not coughing as much or as violently! Mmmm…the water feels so nice and comforting. Wonder if I could….

Without thinking any further, I plug the tub and begin kneeling in the bathtub. I’m taking a bath! I think, I hope.

But at 400+ pounds, taking a bath is easier said then done. There are just some logistics that come in to play. I haven’t tried to take a bath in over 2 years and 100+ pounds ago. Mmmm…After 5 minutes of splashing around trying to get down in the bathtub without breaking a limb, and a few moments of sheer panic later…I’m down.

Once I’m setting in the bathtub I realize just how spacially challenged I was. There wasn’t enough room left in the bathtub to maneuver at all. I couldn’t stretch to the end of the tub to turn the hot water back on, so I was stuck with a few inches of luke warm water. I did think about getting up on my knees to turn the hot water back on, but then I’d have to get down again…and OH SHIT….could I get onto my knees? Could I get out?

I began day dreaming about the coming attraction of yelling for help, and then promptly began convincing myself that I could just stay in the bathtub until I lost enough weight from starvation to get myself out! I mean, I had enough water. Well, I discovered that by rolling over on my stomach, I could then get my knees under me and left myself up. Not that hard at all, but it took some experimenting to find the solution, during which I’m sure my impersonation of a beached whale, was 100% authentic.

Will I try to take another bath any time soon? HA HA HA! Baths are a luxury not reserved for 400+ pound people.