Too Fat to Lose Weight on my Own?

I’m half setting, half leaning against the hospital bed. Every little movement, every breath, every shift in position hurts like a hot poker being pushed between my ribs. The doctor, a stout older lady, with short gray hair and thin wire glasses, is setting across from me. She makes eye contact, and begins telling me what she thinks I need to hear. I was in so much pain, I doubt this is verbatim…but here is the jist of it.

“Listen, you need gastric bypass surgery. People don’t lose weight at 445 pounds. It been proven they just don’t, and can’t. You need to lose 200 pounds, you are not going to do that by your self. Few people do, and fewer keep it off. It’s also been proven that there is a gene. People don’t get to be your size…just because they eat too much. There is a gene that tells you too keep eating. You need to lose the weight.”

She then told me I could try and get insurance through the state, that they will actually issue it some times for morbidly obese people…which is what I am. Wow, I just…I know what the scale says…but I just don’t feel that fat! I mean, I just don’t feel it. Anyhow, I appreciated her candid talk. People talking to me like that, helps me ground reality. She wasn’t mean, condescending, disgusted…she was just sincere about the problem and was letting me know “it needs to be dealt with” as well as trying to give me ideas about how to do so.

Well, I know most of my weight comes from binging, and even if I did have insurance…bypass surgery wouldn’t work for me, cause it wouldn’t cure my emotional binging issue. I hope she's wrong. I'm not keen on the idea of surgery for myself, and even so...I don't have insurance, so it's not an option any way.

Anyone curious as to why I made another trip to the E.R? Well, I was getting ready for bed, grabbing myself some ice water in the kitchen and when I opened up the freezer and the cold air hit me, I went into a coughing fit. And I cracked a rib, the pop was loud enough my sister heard it from a few feet away. Did you know there is a weight limit on x-ray machines? Heh…there is. No more need be said about that, just that I am too fat for some x-ray machines.

I wanted to find something amusing to write about, but I just don’t feel it. Woke up this morning sick from the shot they gave me last night for the pain. Got enough narcotics now to fill a shoe box…but I can stand pain a heck of a lot better then I can stand the headache and nausea the vicodan and oxycodon give me.

Sick for a month now. I’m so sick of being sick.

Bout a week ago I got my new scale from oldwillknotts.com. Came just a day or two after I got weighed at the E.R the first time I went. It weighs me 2 pounds more, but that’s close enough for me. Weighs up to 550 pounds, and only cost me 50 dollars.

Ehh…I feel so…down.

Not supposed to move around much at all for the next week. I watched 2 movies tonight. Both I'd seen before, just some old favorites. Brokeback Mountain and K-Pax. Almost watched the Butterfly Effect, but decided I'd save it for tomorrow.

Maybe I'll have something more upbeat to write about tomorrow.